Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
