How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
