im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
