I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
