Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
