i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
