you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
