You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize