My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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