I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
