wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
