all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
