I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
