Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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