I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
