I wish my penis had an off switch
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
