just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
