If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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