I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You ruined the universe
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
