I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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