we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
