i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
