The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
