I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
