It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
