dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
