My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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