is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
