Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
