I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
