Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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