What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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