Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
