Christians are straight up FREAKS
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
