apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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