After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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