I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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