I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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