Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
