when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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