Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
