and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Everclear isn't food dammit
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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