My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
