you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
