i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
