I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
