Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
