I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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