what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
God, you're like boner-b-gone
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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