Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
