Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
