It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
