You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
