u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
