ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
