I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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