apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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