Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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