Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
