If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
