dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
